Tag: Humour

How Ashton Kutcher Destroyed the World by Joseph S. Klapach

This Morning

Harold Fribble was sitting dutifully behind his desk at the corporate headquarters of Occidental Peripherals in Snedekerville, Pennsylvania.  He had just finished reviewing some irregularities involving a shipment of mobile devices to a prominent California university when he was interrupted by a man who burst suddenly into his office. 

The man was breathing hard.

Worlds Collide – A Hero Returns by Robert Scott

ACT I

Welcome to my world. I am happy.

My den is at peak den. I have all I need, and more. After months, years, of ups and downs, I have finally arrived where I want to be. Peace, comfort, security. A room with a view. A sea of tranquillity stretches out to every point of my horizon.

But then the ground shakes. A messenger from the old world comes, unexpected, and with an unwelcome invitation.

No Escape by Claire Schön

I dim the headlights before the approach. No other vehicle has passed in the last ten minutes. The rain is all but a splutter now; the wipers cease their tormenting drag and slide. The wet gravel sinks silently under the tread of the tyres: perfect conditions.

The windows glow at opposite corners above. I navigate to the very back of the car park and pull in under an unkempt bush. Sliding out, I walk towards the building, satisfied that the car is out of sight. The back entrance is clear. I ease off my boots and pad up the stone steps in Lycra-soled feet, reaching the doorway of the flat I have been familiarising myself with for a fortnight now. Carefully easing down the handle, no need for a key and hence no jingle, I sink to my knees and enter on all fours. The deep scent of wood smoke emanates from the rugs, raising recent memories. I feel for the sofa, the one between two windows, benefitting from the join of the wall to evade prying eyes. Retrieving the flashlight from my bag, I am finally ready to digest the passages I began over two weeks ago.

What Do-It-Yourself Homeowners Suspect by M.R. Neis

Ah… UPS delivered the replacement valve, and Eithan could finally finish the washer’s repair. He removed the plate at the rear of the machine and pulled out the old unit, taking careful note of all the connections, electrical, mechanical, and hydraulic. The new valve clicked confidently onto the mounting plate, a confirmation that the replacement part was the correct one. It would be nice to get that pile of laundry back under control.

Timothy the Turtle and the Spiritual Awakening by Lisa Fox

No one would ever know if Timothy the Turtle’s arrival at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Roman Catholic Church was a well-timed prank, or a tiny miracle.

Sometime between the First Reading and the Responsorial Psalm at the first Friday children’s mass after Easter, he’d wandered through a maze of potted lilies on the altar. Prehistoric feet pressed into the plush carpet as he ventured out, one agonizingly long step at a time. Timothy stopped at the altar’s edge, facing the pre-pubescent, parochial-school-uniformed congregants giggling on either side of the center aisle.

Autofictive Athletic by Matt Fallaize

This is a work of fiction.

I need to clarify this, as there’s been quite the fashion of late for novels based, with almost no alterations, on the minutiae of the day to day life of men.

Nearly always men.

And in these alleged fictions they catalogue their bowel movements and fear of death and there’s generally some tedious byplay about the taut flesh of much younger women. None of it is terribly edifying, but then they call it a novel and everyone falls over impressed.