Money 
This product offered guaranteed happiness and a solution to all of my problems, which I now suspect is nothing more than a marketing ploy. In large quantities it frequently had the opposite effect, and I’d recommend medium serving sizes.
I also struggled with the order process – it seemed to all revolve around stock – and when adding the item to my basket I had a strange desire to post irritating motivational quotes on Instagram.
Eating 
Generally does what it says on the tin, and was often quite satisfying.
However, the need to use it constantly takes away from the experience somewhat, and usage itself has to be very closely monitored – too much and you’ll die, too little and you’ll also die, which feels a little melodramatic.
Overall, I would recommend it more as a necessity than anything.
Politics
This product was far more annoying than it was useful. I was also offered two different versions and reassured that each was entirely unique. As far as I can tell, however, both were identically terrible.
Two stars as I was given a token input into the manufacturing process – no higher than two as my input apparently had no impact whatsoever.
Response from seller: Hi Reviewer – you seem to have received the complete opposite item to the one you put in your basket. I apologise for that, and 100% guarantee that if you use us again, you won’t be disappointed!
Work 
For starters, I had to provide evidence of my suitability to own this product, which was not at all appreciated. It was also nothing like it was described, came with no instructions, and involved frequently associating with individuals who were insufferable and used nonsensical words (what actually is a stakeholder?).
Perhaps most disappointingly, when I tried to swap this item for another, I was made to wait 3 months before giving an awkward speech in which I pretended to be sad when I was in fact ecstatic that the 3 months were over.
1 out of 5 stars – would not recommend.
Drinking 
I don’t really understand how anyone could not enjoy this item!!! Loads of fun, helped in all areas of my life, and made people more attractive!!!!
UPDATE: Having lived with the product for an entire day I can caution that it causes anxiety, headaches, nausea, vomiting, paranoia and long-term health complications. I will, however, not be returning it for a refund, as I’ll be using it again tomorrow and probably several more times in future.
Social media
This item was pretty poor but strangely addictive. Others who used it also appeared very confused, telling me to ‘be kind’ while abusing me, to ‘listen to science’ while refuting scientific facts, and generally portraying personalities that seemed unrealistic.
As a warning, I noted that after extensive usage I developed several unnerving side-effects. These included taking photographs of food before I ate it, sharing intimate details to strangers, and applying to be a contestant on Love Island.
Response from site admin: This review was checked by independent sources and found to contain claims that are false or misleading. Specifically, the item in question is not ‘poor’ but fantastic, which has been scientifically proven.
Road works
I never ordered this item and yet it arrived at the worst possible time in ridiculously large quantities, regardless of there appearing to be little actual need for it. I also found the name to be thoroughly misleading, as the road never ‘worked’ (at least not very well), nor did I ever see anyone ’working’ on it.
Apocalyptic global warming
The descriptions of this product wildly vary, nobody can tell me when it’ll arrive, and every year for half a century I’ve been told that I’ve reached the deadline for cancelling delivery.
To add insult to injury, the cost has rapidly increased, and I’m to pay for this despite it being caused primarily by the seller.
Western suppliers won’t give me a refund, Eastern suppliers claim to have never even heard of it. Unsure how to proceed.
Holidays abroad
There appears to be less of this item around the past few years and it’s often only been available to order for certain people. The seller was also difficult to communicate with – it’s almost like they spoke a different language.
UPDATE: Beware potential buyers – I’ve seen other versions of this item sold under the name ‘travelling’, when as far as I can see, nothing additional is offered beyond pretentious product wording and suitcases without wheels.
Sleep 
This product is absolutely incredible…when you can get hold of it. Stock levels require considerable improvement and a better standard of quality control needs to be established (some of the packages I received contained hardly any of the actual item, and instead simply produced noises ranging from car alarms to crying babies and even my own heavy breathing).
Happiness
I get the impression some people feel they’re not deserving of this item or can’t get access to it, but I think that’s simply not true. It’s a real shame too, as I thought it was absolutely outstanding.
Overall, a perfect 5 out of 5 – couldn’t fault and will order again.
Civil rights
These were very well constructed when they came from America, the UK, and other Western countries, although their proper intended usage clearly hasn’t been adhered to recently.
The versions I received from China, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia were considerably worse, and I’d go so far as to even call them dangerous. However, I didn’t bother leaving feedback for these, as nobody seemed that interested. Hence four stars overall.
Reviews
Of a mixed quality.
JJ is a prize-winning short fiction writer, aspiring author and self-defined social commentator (i.e. he loves a good moan). He aims to contribute to debates around free speech, equality and progress, mostly by challenging popular misconceptions. He also just likes to tell a solid story.
You can get in touch with JJ via email (jjcourtney@mail.com)