Oh geez, I’m so sorry I’m late. I was in the middle of sixty-nining my newest lover and I completely lost track of time. Candidly, I’m usually late but you’ll learn all about that. I was thrilled to get your call! You’re my first bi mentee and, I have to say, it’s a complete honor. I still remember my days of being a bi woman mentee. What a joyful time. I’ll try and be as succinct as possible, but there’re a million things to talk about. We’ll get there over the course of our meetings, I’m sure. Before we go any further, I have to say, you are distractingly beautiful. Truly, you’re stunning. It’s almost difficult to look at you. Oh, wow, thank you so much for saying so. This is one of my favorite outfits. Okay, we can’t get carried away. There’s plenty of time for us to swoon for each other after I’ve told you all the bi women truths. I’m going to be totally transparent with you – those bi women stereotypes you’ve been dealing with since coming out, they’re true. All of them.
Okay, you know how people are always saying bi women are just going through a phase, the whole party lesbian trope? Yes, exactly, those girls who say they’re bi but just mean they like to get drunk and kiss girls at parties. Well, the reality is, that’s completely real. Bi women are just in a phase. My own personal bi phase has lasted for over seventeen years but, honestly, could end at any time. The same is true for you. It’s best if we have these meetings as frequently as possible, just in case you change your mind about being bi. Also, all the more opportunity to take in your gorgeous breasts, I mean eyes! Anyway, you know as well as I do that we’re just waiting for a good dicking and then it’ll all be over. When did my bi phase start, you ask? Such a good question. Thanks so much for helping me out here. See, I knew we were gonna be friends.
Many years ago, when I was but a wee middle schooler, I had an inkling that I liked girls, as well as boys. When I told my best friend this she said, “Boys love it when girls make out.” That sealed the deal for me because, just like you, my entire existence is a farce to please the male gaze. A couple years after that I had my first girlfriend. She was an exchange student with a buzzed head and a cutting jawline. In my own small, young way, I loved her. But she was too masculine for the boys to get really excited about, so the relationship was brief. After all, what’s the point of being in love if it’s not giving a dude a boner? You know what I mean. In college, my girlfriend and I would make out on the grass outside of marine biology. Passers-by would call us “dykes” or “abominations.” Ah yes, I would think, but it’s only a phase. I need not endure this much longer because I’ll get a good dicking and never love a woman again. I’m sure you have stories that are exactly the same. Wait a second, were you at that party last weekend? I feel like I saw you in the orgy. Sorry! You’re just so gorgeous.
What was I saying? Right, thank you, the whole phase thing. You know what’s the worst bit? It’s not just that I’m in a lifelong, never-ending bi phase. It’s that the lesbians have caught on, too. Seriously, can you imagine the inconvenience? Why, just last night I had a first date with this lesbian I met on Tinder. When she realized I was bi she excused herself from the table. Twenty minutes passed and I started to worry she was ill or had been waylaid by a U-Haul dealer in the bathroom. Then a carrier pigeon flew into the restaurant and landed on my table. It was wearing a sweater that said, “Bisexuality is a phase” and I was so damn pissed. I mean, who told her?! Not to mention, do you know how embarrassing it is to have a pigeon in a hand-knit sweater return to your table in lieu of your date. Needless to say, I’m going to put a notice in next month’s bi women newsletter that we need to do some serious PR work with the lesbian community. If they keep shunning us, there’s simply no way we can act on our not-at-all-real, totally-fake, phase-based urges.
Oh my god, of course, we have a newsletter! How have you not seen the newsletter?! I’ll get you on the mailing list tonight, in between my dates. Or maybe you’ll be my date tonight and you can remind me? What’s your sign? Yeah, that makes sense, we’re very compatible sexually, if you couldn’t tell already. So, anyway… last month the entire front page was dedicated to making sure we’re cheating on whatever significant other we can trick into a relationship with us. And shit, I’m glad they reminded me because it had been a good couple weeks since I’d cheated on someone. The next night I was out at dinner with my girlfriend (the lone lesbian woman who hadn’t heard about the whole bi phase smear campaign) and we were sharing a plate of hummus while wearing matching flannels. Our waiter walked up and offered us water. You and I both know what happened next. My flannel vanished, replaced by a flower print dress. My hummus morphed into a meaty burger. “Yes, I need a refill and also to be full of your dick.” My girlfriend looked on in confused horror, as I wrapped my legs around my new boyfriend. Nothing could stop this torrid and beautiful romance. Except, well, you know where this is going, right? Over my new boyfriend’s shoulder, I saw the sexiest person I’d ever seen eating ice cream in exactly the same way they’d eat my pussy. I pushed my new boyfriend off me and walked toward this mysterious stranger. “But we’re in love,” my boyfriend and girlfriend called to me. It’s a tale as old as time. You get it though, right? We can’t help ourselves.
Of course, it’s not like we’re monsters. We have to cheat; it’s in the bi women newsletter. If you can believe it, I left an entire stack at my date’s house last night. Otherwise, I’d totally give you a copy. You’ll get yours soon though, I’m sure. But another recent highlight reminded me – bi women are insatiable, greedy sluts. You’ve heard it before and there’s no reason you should be ignoring this information because it is actual fact. Frankly, I’m sure you’re living that truth all the time. Damn, I don’t know about you but I can’t stop thinking about what it would feel like to have your mouth on me. I bet you taste amazing and maybe after this we could… Wait! I can’t forget to tell you these things. God, it’s hard to focus. Okay so I was saying that I’m a greedy slut. Right. This is the god’s honest truth – I haven’t stopped having sex in the last seventeen years. You might think that sounds unreasonable or impossible, and let me be clear, it is. But we have to. Otherwise, how will people know we’re bi women?
Have you ever tried to pay for your delivery pizza while bent over with a dick in you? It’s difficult, to say the least. That’s not even the worst of it. Frankly, sometimes my insatiable sluttiness is downright inconvenient. For example, it’s hard to have sex while driving. You’ve obviously tried this before but will you please take a moment to really imagine me having sex while driving my car in Los Angeles traffic? Aside from the general positioning disasters, I often lose sight of the road during intense orgasms. There has been an accident or five. Cops get flustered if they’re taking my statement and my lover is behind me or in front of me, eating my ass or stimulating my nipples. I do what I can, but I’m usually arrested for public indecency. By the time I’m in court, I have three lovers and can barely pay attention to the charges, much less refute them. I’m held in contempt of court until I can post bail but I can’t stop having sex long enough to make my phone call. In fact, can I give you a couple thousand dollars so you can come rescue me from jail every once in a while? That would be a huge help. I mean, obviously it’s not helpful if you’re also in jail, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. No, don’t worry about it. I’ll pay for the coffee.
Listen, I bet you’re surprised we’re not having sex yet, and honestly, so am I. I’m sure it’s only moments away. But, before that happens, I want to warn you of one tiny thing – at some point during the sex, if you look at me in just the right way, you may notice that I don’t exist. I’m a myth. You are also a myth. The particles that make up our persons don’t exist because they’re bi, too, and that’s just not a real thing. We don’t love people across the gender spectrum. We don’t have relationships based in trust and honesty. And we certainly don’t wake up every morning strong, confident bisexual women. When you and I have sex, which we obviously will, we’ll probably disappear into the ether completely. So please, don’t be alarmed. Actually, let’s make this fast, we’re dissolving now as we speak.
Tai Farnsworth (she/her) is a mixed-race, queer writer living in Los Angeles with her future wife and their many plant babies. Her work can be found in Homology Lit, Sinister Wisdom, Drunk Monkeys, Anastamos, the b’k, and forthcoming in Cobra Milk. She’s presently completing edits on her manuscript. She can be found @taionthefly.