Sitting in my room
incense burning in the living space.
Unsettled here, on the edge of Spring.
Today marks Oestara, the Vernal Equinox where I reside.
It’s 9:22pm; already one foot deeper into Spring than the Winter
And I’m having a very difficult time stepping out of my Dark Beautiful Season.
This Winter has been long and deep.
Entering it with a distracted head, focusing on the holidays and festivities—
the novelty of the seasons.
When January edged on and February came,
I was truly finding my Self in the Depths of Darkness.
Consumed by the cold Void as the days were mostly consumed by the Moonlit eve.
Although I first met this with resistance, I’ve grown comfortable here.
Not complacent or at ease, but profoundly at Home
in this fiery Underworld.
Here is where I’ve uncovered tombs of secrets that were hidden from light
mysterious depths that only the black matter of the void could present.
Herein emerged creativity, and a poetic spark that was inaccessible to the blissful Soul.
I’ve unearthed buried memories that caused dis-order
and previously assumed chaos during the solar seasons.
It’s here I understood Jazz
and the subtly aligned rhythms of the Soul.
I’m not done exploring this Underworld
these beautiful Moonlit Caves.
The shadows I once thought were demons
have shown to be my guides.
Only in entering their space did they truly reveal themselves
and in turn revealed my Self.
I don’t want to leave.
I’m not done.
I’ve found a power here… a connection.
There’s a warrior spirit that also exists in this space
for one cannot be a warrior unless there is a battle to be waged.
I want the Darkness.
I want the power and the creative eruptions.
I want the insight and magick and deep intuitive knowing that manifests as the Crone,
Spring is upon us.
The longer days, the emergence of light and life.
These all seem blindingly trivial to me now,
having spent so much time in the passionate caverns below.
There’s so much to be gained from living here—
from deciding to make this my Home.
But perhaps there’s also a resistance to the overpowering force that is to come.
This creative, profound diving is also forming something that is New.
Maybe I wish to reside here in the gestation for fear of the responsibility for what is soon to be in my care.
I want the negative space
This Void that lends itself to the violent birth.
The birth is inevitable.
The cell death and gestation has occurred
and one cannot remain pregnant with life forever.
It must emerge.
Ready or Not.
And when it does, it will show itself to be a manifestation of these months…
all the creation, all the formation.
All the death and destruction giving way to new Life.
All this is surrendering itself to what is to come.
And I suppose that no one is truly ready.
Whether Birth or the Spring, it is inevitable…
and we surrender to the laborious process of allowing.
I suppose now…
I will surrender to the Spring.
Leaving this space for a while.
My cloak which was vivid and saturated in beautiful darkness
will too be surrendered and faded to the power of the Sun.
I will try to remember that even the longest of days has their night.
And I can return… if not to dwell, then at least to visit and reminisce.
Until Hades presents itself again in 6 more months
and the journey continues back into the deep—
Back to my Beautiful Dark Home.
Lauren Theresa is a writer, botanical sorceress, and mother of two living just outside NYC where she received her MSW from New York University. Her first book, Into the Deep: poetry from the shadows will be available in late 2021.