‘So no meat, including meat soup, no spreads–’
‘Not even jam?’
‘No, not even jam I’m afraid.’
‘Don’t we buy in the jam?’
‘Well–’
‘If I can just jump in there, Val? As we were discussing in the supervisor meeting last week, the cost of buying in jam is just too much for our budget at the moment. Jam is technically one of our luxury items that we don’t promise to people, it’s just nice to have.’
‘Yes, thank you Dave. That’s why it would be really good if we had some more reliable corporate donors. Did one of you go to school with a St Dalfour? Play a weekly game of squash with Mr. Tiptree? If anyone knows someone in jam, tell me please.’
‘I’m very much a classic Bonne Mamam girl myself, Val, I’ll tell you that.’
‘I prefer a nice, chunky marmalade.’
‘Oh, you know Paula, whose son just got married again by the way, Paula makes a great marmalade with blood oranges. She gave me a kilner of it last year and we just polished it off almost immediately. Simon went positively mad for it.’
‘Well jam or marmalade is no good if they don’t always get bread to put it on anyway.’
‘Speaking of: did someone do a Gail’s run for the leftovers? Did we get in some bread today?’
‘Some bread, less cakes.’
‘Fewer cakes.’
‘I’ll give you fewer braincells if you keep on–’
‘Right everyone, if I might get a word in?’
‘Yes Val. Sorry Val.’
‘I’ve lost where I was. Right. As I was saying. No meat of any kind and no spreads. We’re running low on a lot of other items as well so keep a sharp eye out for any updates on the board. Right. Anything else before we open the doors?’
‘Val, I thought it might be good to remind everybody that God is going to be popping in today.’
‘Oh honestly, really?’
‘Yes, we got an email about it.’
‘Drat, I never read those things. Did the email mention a definite time?’
‘No, just at some point during the session.’
‘Typical. Bloody typical.’
‘Never around when you need Him, is He?’
‘Could have used Him last week, that scuffle between those two, oh whatstheirnames–’
‘Might as well have been called Mr Foster and Mr Carling. Absolutely drunk as skunks that pair.’
‘I don’t know what you expect God to do about a situation like that. He’s very good with a crowd, not so much with the one-to-one work.’
‘Oh, well he hasn’t been trained has He? Needs to sign-up for a few sessions.’
‘You know, joking aside everyone, it would actually be good if we had a few more people signing up for de-escalation training. Me and Val have done it – haven’t we, Val? – and I mean it feels a little silly of course, especially the exercises where you practice grabbing people–’
‘I bet you don’t need any practice grabbing people, Dave.’
‘Okay, all right. Settle down. Settle. Down. Right. You all know how I feel about God: I’m a big fan of His early work. No, but to be serious, I am here every Sunday, I think His message underpins what we do here but I’d just rather He came in every week or not at all. It’s absolutely useless this popping in and out nonsense.’
‘Sorry Val, I only mentioned it because I thought maybe our clientele might want to know. You know they like having Him around, especially those in greatest need–’
‘Not like He gets time to talk to them. It’s always the worst type of chancer who seems to bend His ear first, isn’t it?’
‘Last time I heard someone asking him for a new iPhone. I mean, really.’
‘Now, in all fairness they have made it almost impossible to get your benefits without a phone nowadays.’
‘But it doesn’t need to be an iPhone does it? I mean, we have people in here with next to nothing.’
‘Yes, you know a real influx of refugees lately. It never seems to be one at a time, I guess the council must get them in batches of some sort–’
‘Right! That’s time, everyone! We can gossip later. Kathy, if you can find a pen put on the board that He’s going to be in. But make sure its one of the erasable ones or else we’ll never hear the end of it.’
‘Thank you. I know He can get in the way a bit but He is sort of the reason a lot of us are here and–’
‘Yes, and I fully appreciate that Kathy but you know it’s been a bit manic already this morning–’
‘I actually sometimes think its a bit offensive for our non-Christian clients, Him coming in and all that. They might find it a bit off-putting. Especially if they don’t speak English.’
‘Oh that’s interesting John, I always presumed when He spoke in our heads He did so individually and in our native languages. Do you reckon He’s just sort of broadcasting a general message?’
‘Well to me, He isn’t really speaking, is He? It’s more like er… a feeling.’
‘I know exactly what you mean.’
‘Look. You know it’s not like I’d turn anyone away, and we don’t check what religion anyone is at the door, that would go against the spirit of the thing, but I mean this is a Christian organisation so I really think anyone with complaints either has to like it or lump it, I’m afraid to say!’
‘But imagine it’s your first time here and all of a sudden there’s these choirs of angels and some celestial being you’ve never seen before – it’s a lot, it really is, even for me.’
‘Right! Enough! He’s coming and there’s nothing we can do about it as far as I’m concerned, apart from make a complaint to head office and we all know how effective that is. Let’s open the doors.’
‘Val, are we not going to do the prayer first?’
‘Oh honestly Helen in all this God-talk I forgot about it. All right, heads down everyone.’
‘Dear Lord, we ask for Your help today in doing Your work, showing loving-kindness to all who need it and making sure everyone feels welcome and cared for as best we can. And we also ask You to help Linda in her recovery from knee surgery so she can come join us again as soon as possible.’
‘Hear hear!’
‘And we’re all looking forward to seeing You here later, especially Val. In Jesus’ name, Amen.’
‘Amen.’
‘Right, time to open I think.’
*
‘You don’t know when exactly the Big Fella is going to be in do you?’
‘No, I’m really sorry I don’t. They don’t tell us these things, I’m afraid. I sometimes think they keep things from us volunteers so they can lord it over us a bit, you know?’
‘Yeah, yeah. It’s just I have a business idea I want to run by him.’
‘Oh, well I’m sure He’d be very interested. Do you want any tea or coffee while you wait?’
‘Coffee thanks, milk and three sugars.’
‘Right you are, coffee, milk, and three sugars. Here you go.’
‘Thank you, love.’
‘Sorry, did that man say God is coming in?’
‘Yes, look we put it on the board.’
‘Oh, I wish I’d known about that. Would’ve brought along my kids, you know?’
‘We never know in advance I’m afraid. How old are your children?’
‘They’re that age, you know. 14 and 16. Girls. And they always say they don’t want to see Him but then when they do they get on like a house on fire. And He remembers what they tell him, that means a lot, you know. It can be so depressing coming here, right? That’s why I don’t drag them in here unless I have to. I mean, I appreciate it, I don’t want you to think I don’t but…do you get what I mean?’
‘No, of course. It’s a lot. It’s an awful lot especially when you have children and you’re trying to do the best you can for them…maybe a nice cup of tea? Or coffee?’
‘Oh, tea please.’
‘Milk and sugar?’
‘Four, thanks.’
‘And do you want some cake? Victoria Sponge today, home-made.’
‘Oh, look at that. Sprinkles and everything. Did you make it?’
‘Gosh no, I’m no good at cakes. Biscuits I can just about do. But there’s a lovely woman called Maud at out church. She’s coming up to eighty-seven, bless her, and so it would be a bit much for her to help at the session, but she always drops off a cake.’
‘Oh, well tell Maud I said thank you.’
‘I will do. You’re – oh! Do you hear that? I bet that’s Him now.’
‘Just got a text! The Big Man should be here in any minute.’
‘Watch out, here He comes.’
‘Do you ever wonder why He manifests outside and comes in, rather than just appearing in the room? Bit showy, don’t you think?’
‘I have to presume that’s a safety measure, Val.’
‘Fuck’s sake, has he gone already?’
‘Language, please.’
‘Oh, sorry miss. Sorry.’
‘That’s quite alright. I’m afraid He has left. But chin up, young man, we still have food – not much of it, but we’ll get you out of here with something to eat. I think we might even have a few frozen meals left still.’
‘Thank you miss, thanks.’
‘That’s quite alright, no need to call me miss.’
‘Everything alright over here?’
‘All fine, just the Wi-fi has gone again. Not sure if it’s Him or just this bloody stupid building.’
‘Probably the latter. Okay, someone wipe God off the board and let’s get on with it. We still have a lot to get through today.’
Olivia Payne is a librarian working in London. She’s an alumnus of the Faber Academy and proud member of the Write Like a Grrrl community. She’s previously had work published in places including Uncharted, Pithead Chapel, body fluids, Cobra Milk, Ellipsis Zine, Corporeal, Alphabet Box, and Sonder Magazine.
Twitter: @OliviasLitLife
Website: linktr.ee/oliviacpayne